I think I am coping well when i opt to do one thing i “should” do before I do something I’m not sure I should do. We all grieve in different ways. I wasn’t that connected to my Father, I remember the sense of freedom the first evening I was away and didn’t worry about him at home. I still think i find some of his greasy or bloody finger prints in the kitchen, inside a medicine cabinet. I wipe them clean and think of him.
Trust is…. We trust that certain things won’t happen and then when they do…..I sometimes just can’t get beyond it, or I am unwilling to take that chance again that allows the trust to be violated. This is especially true when i get reasons or double messages. This is why i love functional definitions. In the case of my family, the functional definition of love was” I yell at your dad because we love eachother”. Guess what, I am a yeller, It just comes out of me. My voice raises unconsciously. I am at the stage of my life where when someone says, “Lower your voice” or “You’re yelling”. I’m pretty able to check in with my gut, with my self and either control it or decide i don’t care and i’m going to be loud anyway.
This isn’t what i thought i was going to write, but it’s what came out. we all have our own ways of grieving……..